


Dream's (probably) Fucked up Childhood

by willowspore



Series: Author is projecting on to dream [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Mentioned GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), POV Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), The Author Regrets Everything, author projects on to dream too much, i wrote this on my notes app on my phone, my bad man, notes app my beloved, same with the first fic in this series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:15:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29228322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowspore/pseuds/willowspore
Summary: Dream thinks about his childhoodOrAuthor used Dream to vent about their own childhood
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: Author is projecting on to dream [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2146041
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	Dream's (probably) Fucked up Childhood

**Author's Note:**

> Hello loves, warning on this it does include talks of death, alcohol, drugs, fighting, and self harm so PLEASE don't read if you're sensitive to those. Stay safe :)

Sometimes, Dream concludes, that maybe if his childhood was different he would be okay.

I mean not saying his childhood held ALL the reasons he's unhappy but..well okay most of his problems are because of that but maybe he doesn't want to accept that.

His childhood was..okay? Well until it wasn't but for the most part it was decent at best, or at least? Something like that.

It got worst over time because of course it did. It was all okay (apart from his brother telling him to kill himself everytime he saw him but his brother was an edgy teen, it's forgiven) until he turned 10.

His father, as much as he loved him, fucked his life over. Well in other people's eyes, the small amount that knew about it, that's what happened. 

But to Dream? God to Dream it was all his fault. All of it. To what his father did to what he will do, it was all Dream's fault.

In all honesty, Dream wasn't..sure why he thought that? Well in his words it was because if he was a better son then he could have stopped it all from happening. Despite his friends telling him that it wasn't his fault he still believed it, oh god he believed it strongly.

To Dream, everything bad in his life was or is his fault. To him, if he was better, if he got out of that bed sooner, if he got that chore done, it would all be okay. Obviously to any sane person it wouldn't make much a difference but Dream believed it so strongly that if he changed he could fix it.

Dream was wrong. Obviously. He can't fix it. He wishes, fucks sake he really wishes.

Its hard at age 10 knowing you can't see your dad as often as you used to. Dream blamed himself. His fault. His father haunts him sometimes. To the banging on the door and the mentions of smoking and alcohol.

Dream hates all those things now, makes him panic. How weak, he assumes for himself only.

Of course Dream saw his father again, twice after age 10. Three times if you count the call he had with him.

The call was terrible. He sobbed before it. He did not want to speak to the man who did what he did. But his mum made him, so he called him.

It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be, he guesses.

The second time Dream saw his dad, age 11, he thinks it was. His mum had to get a check from him so Dream came along.

It was awkward. Dream hated it.

The third and, last time, in theory, that Dream saw his dad it was to lunch. Dream, his dad, his mum, and two brothers were there. His sister skipped out, not wanting to see their dad. Dream understood.

It went okay, Dream showed his dad his work. His dad looked proud. Never said he was though, Dream wishes he did. God Dream really wishes he did.

His father gave him a laptop and with that, Dream and his family went home. His father went to his own home.

That was the last time he saw his dad. Months before he leaned that his father died. Heart attack in his sleep, he was told.

It was from the alcohol and drugs. Of course it was.

Dream had to go to a funeral at age 13. Too young, in his opinion. He's always too young for this. He's so tired.

Dream cried, a lot, he didn't eat for a long time. He mourned. He still mourns. Even if his dad did all he did, Dream loved him, he did, he wishes he told him.

Dream feels like a failure of a son, of a friend. He'll keep it to himself though. No one needs to know that, he assumes.

Dream did start eating again, he took care of himself somewhat. He had to. People needed him, he thinks.

He got worse again, because Dream never got peace, did he? 

He stopped eating again. He didn't feel hungry, why waste food? He ate if he was given food or if he got dizzy. But that's it. He was okay, he thinks.

He knew he wasn't but why admit that?

He didn't leave bed either, not unless he needed too. 

Of course it doesn't end there, why would it? 

Dream always carried a knife with him when he went to shower.

Dream doesn't talk about it, why would he? Unnecessary worry. He was fine.

He did, once, tell his friends he did what he did in the shower. They gave him the "don't do that, we care about you!" Then went on to another topic.

Dream never did that when his friends told him they cut. Maybe Dream raised his own standards? Oh well, he didn't need to be pitied anyways. He wouldn't kill himself. He knew that.

No matter how much he wants to die, Dream has to stay. Not for himself. His friends need him, as they claim. His family needs him. Maybe. He will stay until he isn't needed.

He hopes that's soon but he wouldn't tell anyone that.

One night, December, a few months after his father died. His brother overdosed. On his porch.

Dream was told to stay in his room. He cried and panicked.

His brother was okay.

Dream doesn't like drugs.

Dream opens the fridge and freezer to alcohol sometimes. He leaves once he sees them. He isn't hungry anymore. He isn't sure why his brothers are doing what his dad did.

Maybe it was Dreams fault too, who knows.

There's always fighting. Dream stays up at night hearing the screams of him mum and boyfriend. He can't do anything, he would be yelled at.

He doesn't like yelling, it scares him. Only if he could man up.

Sometimes the yelling gets really bad. Screaming turns worse, louder, shrieking. Police threaten to be called. Dream just wants to sleep. Why can't he just fucking sleep?

Its obvious, to Dream, that he hates himself, it's always been obvious, he assumes.

Dream doesn't feel like himself. He hasn't, not for awhile. He feels so fake, so fucking fake and he hates it. He feels as if he is not himself, he steals and steals people's personalities. It isn't his fault, he has to act a certain way with certain people so they like him. He wants to be liked, please, please like him.

Funny enough, Dream was bad ay affection as a child. He never could say he loved his friends back, not to their face. He was scared.

A friend in elementary made him like that. He came out to them, as bi, they gave him a disgusted look and whenever he said he loved his friends they got the same look.

Was he not meant to love?

Dream assumed when he says he loves his friends they think he means romantically. He has taste, he says to himself. Never to them.

At this point he's used to being ignored until he's needed. He's okay with it for the most part. He likes being alone. He doesn't have to put on an act.

Dream wishes he was mute still, he is still in a way. Only speaks when he's alone to sing. He likes to sing even if brother said he sucks at it. He will still sing, no one hears him now anyways. 

In his opinion, he's not a good person. His friends say otherwise. Dream knows himself he thinks but he also isn't sure. He knows his friends don't know everything about him. They would leave him, he knows.

Dream doesn't talk about how he feels a lot. A lot of his friends don't even know about his trauma. He likes that. They don't need to know how sad he really is.

Dream did get counseling once. He hated it. Terrible. His counselor was okay but it itself was bad. It didn't help him. Just made him hate Tuesdays.

He asked his mum if he could stop doing it. She said no, it would help him in the long run.

It hasn't.

Dream is lonely. He knows, he's okay with it. He's lost so many friends, it was all his fault. Its okay. Being lonely is nice sometimes.

No one hears him cry anymore. He prefers it.

So maybe, Dream thinks, maybe his childhood could have been better and maybe it was the cause of his scars and deformities but for now, well, he wasn't okay but he was functioning.

Dream is better at helping people then getting help anyways. He's alright with that. He just hopes this sinking feeling of dread and tiredness goes away.

Dream concludes that he maybe isn't okay but it's okay. He will be.

He can figure it out alone. For now, he'll go back to laughing at George's screams and Sapnap's flirting. He'll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> No I'm not okay but I'm functioning!


End file.
